I ask myself this question when I know that I am at my most vulnerable. I want to aspire to senior leadership. There, I have put it out there, finally. It was not easy. I know this blog will be shared via my Twitter account and I know then that a lot more people will find out what I am personally going through. This is my inner-conflict.
I read an article in the TES where a head from a prestigious girl’s school remarked how women aren’t accessing leadership positions because of a lack of self-confidence and how they feel they won’t apply because they don’t feel they are 100% qualified for the role and this is how I feel. Yet, there are many ‘getting on’. It may be they haven’t had a baby. There. It. Is. To quote Shakespeare: “ay, there’s the rub”. All I know is that I have worked damn hard over the last ten years to really put myself ‘on the map’. Surely, I can be a mother and a leader at the same time?
My daughter was born in September 2015 and my world changed. I felt and still feel so overwhelmed with love for her and her Dad. My husband and I decided that because I had a more senior role that it would be more beneficial to our daughter for him to leave his job and look after her full time and I would return to my full time, middle leadership role. I had 22 weeks off with my daughter. I returned with all guns blazing. I was determined to prove that us women and mothers could have it all. Sadly I missed her so much and I wanted to get back to her and my husband as soon as I could after a day in my job, which isn’t a job to me, it is my vocation. But I felt pressure to stay and yes I completely agree that senior leadership means undirected hours and more of a personal commitment and although I worked extremely hard for my students and even now, after 15 years of teaching I still work four hours a night and at weekends, I still felt that it wasn’t enough. My dedication is still very much within me and will never leave me. My friends who have had children have gone part time and their attitudes have completely changed to their role as a teacher. Mine hasn’t. I am still full-time, out of choice and I as I said before my ATL hasn’t altered one iota. Don’t get me wrong, I am not aiming my discussion at anyone or any establishment in particular, these are just my views and my views alone.
So, I gave up on senior leadership. However when I spoke at the WomenEd conference in November 2017, I listened to two primary head teachers talk of their job share and how they both had their children in the first few years of their senior leadership journey. I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I thought it was fantastic and I wondered why it wasn’t happening everywhere. I have been applying for demotions because I have lost my confidence and yet I write and blog and write my own revision materials, I plan and organise and think and change the way I do things until I am blue in the face. So why am I under-selling myself? I have so much to offer.
My journey goes on. I have the responsibility of being an aspirational woman for the most important female in my life, my daughter. I also have the responsibility of respecting my husband in giving up his job to look after our daughter and accommodate and afford me the career that I am determined I will carve out for myself and my family.
And so my positive affirmation for the year is: I will not be held back because I am a woman and a mother. I will not allow others to hold me back. I will source opportunities for myself and I will lead by example. I will inspire others. I will coach and mentor others who need my help. I will always be a Feminist and I will continue to be proud of myself. I will always love who I am. I will not apologise for asking for help or for saying thank you. I will not use others. I will contribute not compete. I will continue to address my flaws and be a better person.
Mrs S Williams 